Instead of asking, "Why isn't she in the mood?" consider asking, "How does she like to be invited?" Sexual arousal is something to intentionally cultivate through atmosphere, presence, communication, touch, and rituals, not wait around for.
In Come As You Are, Emily Nagoski reports that about 70% of men experience mostly spontaneous desire, compared with about 15% of women. About 30% of women experience mostly responsive desire, compared with only about 5% of men. Many people have a mix of both. So when he's waiting for her to suddenly want it the way he does, he could be waiting forever. She isn't broken. Her desire just needs the right conditions, and more time, to switch on.That changes the question.
Instead of "Why isn't she in the mood?" ask "How does she like to be invited?"
Here's What You Need To Know:
There Are Two kinds of desire
Spontaneous desire is mostly associated with masculine desire. It can be ready for sexual connection almost on its own, and it isn't easily swayed by circumstances. Stressful day, messy room, kids down the hall? It can still show up.
Responsive desire needs a stimulus first and conditions to be met. Touch, closeness, a relaxing setting, and feeling wanted are what let the body recognize desire and begin building it into arousal. It takes longer.
Here's An Ideal Example of Conditions That Invite The Feminine To Respond Sexually:
I teach an entire series just on the 5 Pillars of Romance. You need all the road maps to master the dance. I'll give you the 1st one. It's Atmosphere. Here are the instructions:
The 5 Components of Setting Up Atmosphere, The 1st Pillar of Romance
1. Flowers
- Get her favorite flowers, and mix in some pink roses if you can.
- Put small bouquets around the room instead of one big vase.
- Scatter rose petals along the path into the room and around it.
- Trader Joe's, Whole Foods, or any grocery store works.
- Bonus: bring in a little nature, like pinecones, wildflowers, or small branches.
- Keep the lighting dim and low.
- I recommend rechargeable LED candles with a remote. They're safe, easy, and great for travel.
- Keep a set ready to go so you can set the mood anywhere.
- Drape a piece of fabric over any bright lamps to soften the light.
This is the most important part of the atmosphere.
- Don't use your usual "get it on" playlist. Familiar songs pull you back into old patterns, and the point is to discover new ways to connect.
- Use my curated playlist, the same one I use in my 3-hour in-person tantric date night experience or use spa music is usually a safe bet.
This is the most overlooked part, and it's huge, especially for helping the feminine open up.
- Make the room warmer than usual. You'll eventually be undressed.
- It's easier to cool a room down than to warm it up, so when in doubt, go warm.
- A small portable heater is great for one room or for travel.
- Some women run hot, so check in with each other at the start.
This is the icing on the cake.
- Use a portable diffuser so you can bring it on getaways.
- Fill it with water and add about 5 drops of a romantic essential oil blend.
- At home, a scented candle works too.
Consistent sexual arousal is curated, not a spontaneous combustion. So if you're stuck in a rut and want something different, hire a coach, take a workshop, read a book, take a class. Up your learning game, no matter what your age or how long you've been together.
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Raven Avery
AMFT #145540
