When Safe Love Feels Boring. A Guide To Receiving Healthy Love.

I often hear from people that they worked so hard to leave behind abuse, toxic relationship patterns, and codependency, only to find that "normal, healthy people" just don't do it for them.  That they feel caught between what's right for them and what they really want.  

This powerful turning point in attachment healing and intimacy journey makes total sense that the journey from asshole to angel can be confusing, even scary. Everyone talks about how you're supposed to better your life, eat kale, and be with someone who treats you right, but no one ever talks about detoxing from a**holes and how to stop the fantasies about being with their potential. 

No one ever talks about when you're getting nourishing reciprocal connection, how much you'll miss the high-voltage chemistry of chaos.  

So let's slow down and offer a trauma-informed perspective with expertise in nervous system regulation and attachment re-patterning for when you feel bored with what's good for you.  

Let's Acknowledge What's Really Happening

You’re coming into contact with someone who's meeting a deeper desire within you, perhaps:

• Emotionally available
  
  
• Introspective and self-aware
  
  
• Attuned to your language of growth, metaphysics, and intimacy
  
  
• Pacing the connection in a respectful way
  
  

And yet, your nervous system is confused because this isn’t what it’s used to equating with attraction. Here’s why Attraction formed in trauma often associates love with adrenaline.So when calm, safe, available love shows up, your body doesn’t register it as “chemistry” — it can even feel boring, flat, or awkward.You are unwinding a pattern that linked emotional starvation to erotic charge. That doesn’t mean there’s no potential for attraction—it means you haven’t had enough safe, consistent exposure to this new template to let desire emerge from your ventral vagal state (the calm, connected part of your nervous system).

What to Try Next

Here are some steps to guide yourself gently:

1. Name What’s Familiar vs What’s Nourishing

Create a two-column journal page:

• In one column: “What my body associates with attraction”
  
  
• In the other: “What I’m learning to feel safe with”
  
  

This helps your brain and body differentiate between past attraction templates (e.g., dominant, aloof, hot/cold energy) and your new, chosen relational values (e.g., warmth, reciprocity, depth, safety).

2. Let Desire Arise, Don’t Force It

Give yourself full permission not to feel immediate sexual chemistry—and don’t make that mean something is wrong.Ask yourself:

• “What would it be like to explore this as a friendship first?”
  
  
• “How would I treat this man if I wasn’t putting pressure on myself to feel sexual attraction?”
  
  

Desire may grow slowly as your nervous system begins to feel safer.

3. Normalize the Fear of Safe Love

It’s okay to feel afraid. Safe love is unfamiliar territory for your nervous system. It doesn’t mean you’re not ready—it means you’re brave enough to try something new.Try saying to yourself:“I’m learning how to be attracted to what supports me, not what depletes me.”

4. Use Somatic Grounding Before and After Calls

Before or after your next call with him, try this:

• Put your hand on your chest and ask:
  
   “Is this connection safe enough for me to be curious?”
  
   (Not: Is he the one. Not: Am I attracted enough.)
  
  
• After the call, ask your body:
  
   “Do I feel more anxious or more regulated after speaking with him?”
  
  

If your nervous system feels more grounded, you’re in good territory—even if your mind is unsure.

5. Let Attraction Be More Than Sexual

Explore what type of attraction you might be feeling:

• Emotional attraction?
  
  
• Intellectual attraction?
  
  
• Spiritual or shared purpose attraction?
  
  

Let those be valid. Erotic attraction can follow when other kinds of intimacy are given space to breathe.

A Mantra for You:

“I give myself permission to feel confused and curious. I am safe to explore love in new, gentler forms. I don’t have to force attraction—I can let safety awaken my desire in its own time.”

Did you know Raven is accessible as a Marriage & Family Therapist Associate in all areas of California, including Santa Barbara, Los Angeles, Calabasas, Montecito, Newport Beach, San Diego, San Francisco, Atherton, Fresno, Sacramento, Los Altos Hills, Woodside, Hillsborough, Long Beach, Oakland, Bakersfield, Anaheim, Carmel, Los Altos, Palo Alto, Cupertino, Orinda, Palos Verdes Estates, and Westlake Village?
couples sex therapist, somatic sex therapy, intimacy coaching, relationship therapist, healing sexual trauma therapy, sex therapy for low libido, premarital intimacy counseling, body-based therapy for couples, Tantra-informed therapist, licensed sex therapist near me, sex-positive therapy, touch therapy for couples, sensate focus sex therapist, Gottman Method sex therapy, emotional intimacy coaching, neuropsychological couples therapy, somatic experiencing for relationships, sex therapy for trauma, poly-friendly therapist, LGBTQ+ affirming sex therapist, kink-aware couples counseling, female desire therapist, postpartum intimacy therapy, intimacy issues in marriage, touch aversion therapy, embodiment coach for couples, nervous system regulation sex therapy, online sex therapy, sex therapist for blended families, ADHD and intimacy therapist, reconnecting after infidelity, sexual shame therapist, mindful sexuality therapist, holistic sex therapy, trust issues in sex therapy, tantric couples counseling, touch deprivation therapist, couples therapist for busy professionals, feminine embodiment coach, masculine/feminine polarity therapist, spiritual intimacy coach, body-based trauma therapist, relationship therapist for executives, long-term relationship sex help, anxiety and sex therapy, emotionally focused sex therapy, sex therapy for high-achieving couples, licensed MFT sex therapist, communication issues and sex therapy, and therapist for rebuilding desire, low libido, anorgasmia, vaginismus, dyspareunia, erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation, premature ejaculation, arousal disorder, desire discrepancy in couples, painful sex, sexual performance anxiety, sexual aversion, and difficulty orgasming with a partner.